And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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