My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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