you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
