I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
