I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
