Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
