Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
