you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i think im in europe. pls send help
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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