the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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