Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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