I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
