Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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