My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
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I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
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I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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