I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
