The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
