I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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