I looked at my own cervix.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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