What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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