My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
