I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
