do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
