He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
