Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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