Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
