bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I still have a little drunk in my system
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
