I have demons in me.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
