sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
