i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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