For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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