Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
