Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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