I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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