Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
