My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize