Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The police scanner is talking about you again....
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
