your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I smell stomach acid.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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