Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
