so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
