I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
