I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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