I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Randomize
