why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
