you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
