i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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