i just sent this text using only my big toe
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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