i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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