why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
