saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My hand turned me down
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
