sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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