Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I need to calm my uterus...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
