update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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