i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
