why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
