God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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