omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
