My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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