When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
