whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
