I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Nicole vs. Life
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
