New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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